An Unexpected Surprise

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An Unexpected Surprise

I was planning to write about something else entirely today. But that was before I sat down with my cereal and fruit and opened my email.

I received a response from my second ex-husband, via a Facebook message I left him a month or so ago. Something I just felt I needed to do when I learned his dad had died.
Tears began to fall into my cereal and strawberries. 

I really didn't deserve his responding to me. I knew that. 

I had made a point of occasionally googling his parents. Since I never had parents or a family, they were lovely people who embraced me into theirs. I had hit pure gold. 

But after being married to him for eight years, someone from my past looked me up, my third now ex-husband. (I supposed it has long ago dawned on you that I'm not good at being married), and after a time I ended up taking off with him. Blinded by what I thought was love. 

Worst mistake of my life. But you know how love is. Or what you think is love. It grabs hold of you and you can't see the forest for the trees. You are rendered illogical for a time. Your emotions get the best of you. 

You do stupid, stupid things. That not only change your life forever, but take from you the very things you hold most dear in life. 

You hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt.

I wrote him when I saw an obit online that his wonderful father had died. He was a great man, as good as they get. So is his mother. I lost all that, and I've mourned that mistake for nearly 20 years now. 

I told him how sorry I was that he'd lost his dad, and that I held him in very high esteem. I knew his parents could not possibly have thought well of me, and I've had to live with that. I'll always have to live with that.

So today I wake up, get my bowl of cereal and sit down to check emails as I do every day while my coffee is dripping into the carafe. And I see his email, with the title: Memories.

A flood of emotions grabbed hold of me. All I could think was: "I didn't deserve it, but he wrote me back anyway."

Back when we were married, we lived in a cute little A-Frame house close to Austin. He enjoyed nature as I did. We both loved the yard birds. And gardening.

He is a very talented musician. He can play four instruments. 

He is a gentle soul. And he wrote that he has a relationship with a flute player. This made me smile. 

That must be a relationship made in heaven. Two talented musicians making music in every possible way. 

They have two CDs out of their music. I'm so happy for him. For the both of them. My loss was her gain.

The past is something that is immutable. You can never change it. But if you can make amends in whatever small way that you can, I believe that it at least puts you on the better karma list.

When he wrote these words, I could barely see the screen in front of me: "Your blog is very you, right down to the tile. All you ever wanted was a "cozy little house..."

A man who knew me better than any other, and I threw it away. Not only that, I took his two beloved dogs with me. He worked on the road, and he wouldn't have been able to take care of them. 

So he had to grieve losing them. Another thing I've had to live with. 

We make mistakes in life. That is a given. As sure as we live and breathe and pay taxes and die, we are also going to make mistakes.

It is part of learning. It is part of realizing how much we can hurt others and be hurt. It is part of knowing what guilt is. 

It is how we gain wisdom.

What happens after we make mistakes, and realize that we've made them, is, I believe, where we show our true colors. 

There is no going back and fixing it. You just have to somehow learn to live with it. 

Knowing that you had something very precious, and you threw it away. And you will take that regret to your grave.

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